This boy is a small stream of consciousness.

Late night boredom has me thinking thinking thinking. Thinking about memories. When I awoke this morning, dreams still afloat, I tried to remember beautiful moments in my past. Moments that made and make this life worth living. Yet, when I reached out I could barely grasp a whisper here, a blurred image there. Nothing concrete. Loss everywhere. I'm always at loss when it comes to such a simple operation as memory recall. I always get this sense that I used to be somewhat definable and now at this moment I am nothing, because chances are this moment won't be remembered. I wish so very much to re-live this life over and over without changing anything, like listening to an album of music or reading a novel of words repeatedly. Maybe then I would remember, repetition has always been my savior.


But you blog... you can help me remember. So Tim, remember this:

Right now you are concerned about your condition of singleness. About how you were once a definable couple with sets of goals and how all those gaps of the self were filled by another. And right now all those gaps, those places where you lack skill, intuition, intelligence, experience, motive... all those gaps are overwhelming you at this moment. It was once comforting because Ashley was there to fill in those personality traits. Tim you've become different, in a way. That just happens it seems, change, and we just had to deal and have to keep dealing.

There was a plan to fill the gaps and improve the self. But just as fast as the plan filled these gaps the wider they became. The plan isn't working, or rather, it would work but there have been set-backs and you are failing to execute it now. Right now, at this moment, all your beautiful idealistic dreams aren't happening or at least, all the signs that used to point you in that wonderful direction have gone away. And it's all your fault. You could be doing so much better for your self right now. It would all work if you weren't failing. I wish you would just stop failing Tim. Just stop it.

This boy is done sledding... for now.

From 9pm till midnight last night, there was sledding. Why sled? Why not? It's awesome. And silly me prophesized to you dear blog that I would find everything I needed in that adventure. I did.

There's something about returning to 12 years old 12 years later. It's unfair to say that it was pure sledding, but in fact also hunting for metaphors. Nonetheless my sister Beth, her friend Keith, and I set out for fun! And oh man did we find some.

After sledding the traditional Nagel Hill run next to the house, we set out for the unknown: The gas pipeline clearing next to the Candor-Owego school bus turnaround. Basically it's a clearing 50 yards wide running all the way down Anderson Hill. Lo and behold at the bottom of this hill was wonderfulness; a steep steep slope then a mini steep hill/bump which equalled FLYING dangerously (almost into a creek!). Fantastic.

After all that, as we were trudging back up the slopes to the car, I found my metaphor. I've been on a great, daring, slightly irresponsible ride down a steep slope of college+youth for the past few years. The last few months were the steepest fun and at the end I was flying, I was high, I was blissfully happier than I've ever been. In November I landed, I wiped out, in fact I literally collapsed. So I've been down lately. But now, now it's time to climb. Happiness is no longer a goal, only a side-affect. To know that in order to find purpose and be satisfied I need to focus, work hard, and earn each step.

This boy is going sledding.

Oh I'm so sorry blog, I have neglected you far too long. This will be a short post, but I promise you more in the near futures. Christmas with Michele, Jacquie, and Ashley was wonderful... so wonderful. I go home tomorrow, and all I want to do is go sledding on Nagel Hill.

I feel like all this stuff, all this regret, and mini-trepidation of the future will all go away. I am truly temporarily lost and all I need is something... something. Just a sled and a hill full of memories. Everything will be okay and I will find where and how I fit into the next steps of life....

if I go sledding.