This boy is a small stream of consciousness.

Late night boredom has me thinking thinking thinking. Thinking about memories. When I awoke this morning, dreams still afloat, I tried to remember beautiful moments in my past. Moments that made and make this life worth living. Yet, when I reached out I could barely grasp a whisper here, a blurred image there. Nothing concrete. Loss everywhere. I'm always at loss when it comes to such a simple operation as memory recall. I always get this sense that I used to be somewhat definable and now at this moment I am nothing, because chances are this moment won't be remembered. I wish so very much to re-live this life over and over without changing anything, like listening to an album of music or reading a novel of words repeatedly. Maybe then I would remember, repetition has always been my savior.


But you blog... you can help me remember. So Tim, remember this:

Right now you are concerned about your condition of singleness. About how you were once a definable couple with sets of goals and how all those gaps of the self were filled by another. And right now all those gaps, those places where you lack skill, intuition, intelligence, experience, motive... all those gaps are overwhelming you at this moment. It was once comforting because Ashley was there to fill in those personality traits. Tim you've become different, in a way. That just happens it seems, change, and we just had to deal and have to keep dealing.

There was a plan to fill the gaps and improve the self. But just as fast as the plan filled these gaps the wider they became. The plan isn't working, or rather, it would work but there have been set-backs and you are failing to execute it now. Right now, at this moment, all your beautiful idealistic dreams aren't happening or at least, all the signs that used to point you in that wonderful direction have gone away. And it's all your fault. You could be doing so much better for your self right now. It would all work if you weren't failing. I wish you would just stop failing Tim. Just stop it.